on my way to 95lbs.

PROJECT PERFECT.

Thu, 23 May 2013 13:54:46 -0400

okay so i haven’t been around much cuz i was busy like FUCK from finals week. but now i’m all done and summer has begun so i’m getting back into this little thing of mine called PROJECT PERFECT. basically it’s just where i try to be the best version of myself that i could be. what it includes:

be thin
cardio at least 3 times a week, eat no more than 800kcals a day, weight train 3 times a week, drink 2L of water/day at least, take my supplements every day
have nice, clear skin
use my sheet masks, cleansing masks, hydrating masks as much as i can, always take off make up before i sleep, moisturize everyday, use my eye creams and masks to get rid of my stupid dark circles and eyebags, use sunscreen
have nice hair
get a nice haircut (soon), use my argan oil everyday, use heat protectant, take biotin
be a nice person
do good deeds whenever i can and help people as much as possible
be a good friend
say ‘yes’ when friends ask me out. take more initiative in talking to them. stop being so passive and antisocial
be a good daughter/sister
spend more time with my family, do nice things for them e.g. wash the dishes, be more open to my family about stuff (although not really ready for this yet…e.g. don’t wanna tell them about my depression)
have good grades
okay this i can’t help it anymore cuz i’ve just finished my semester and it was pretty shite LOL so guess i just have to pray for a miracle to happen.

yep so basically it’s just a plan to be better. like a new year’s resolution. i just want to be the perfect girl who is smart, nice, attractive, funny etc. since i’m a virgo guess it’s not a surprise what a perfectionist i am. anyway going on holiday to meet my boyfriend in 1 week, so i have approx. 7 days to lose 5lbs. i ate quite a lot these few days under the stress of exams and papers, but surprisingly i lost weight?! guess the stress helped lol. i’m now at 130.8lbs, and i plan to be 125lbs by the time i fly next friday.

oh i also bought this green coffee bean + raspberry ketones supplement today, which is cool cuz i was deciding which of them i should buy and found this that had both combined! so we’ll see if that works.

anyway plan tmr is to wake up early for the gym, go to the steam room so my pores could clean out a bit, then have a 200kcal breakfast, go shopping with my sister, then meet my friends at night. hopefully i won’t eat TOO much? thing is the coming 2 days are filled with activities involving food so i’m not sure how i’ll resist :\ we’ll see. wish me luck! and inbox me if anyone wants to join me on project perfect :)

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Fri, 17 May 2013 16:22:48 -0400

"I used to be a healthy kid who faked illness. Now I’m a sick adult who fakes wellness."

Tue, 14 May 2013 04:44:23 -0400

“I used to be a healthy kid who faked illness. Now I’m a sick adult who fakes wellness.”

- Me in counselling (via samwisee-gamzee)

at the end of every day i lie awake at night and wait to feel

Mon, 13 May 2013 03:25:56 -0400

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Sun, 12 May 2013 04:04:39 -0400

"Normal eating is going to the table hungry and eating until you are satisfied. It is being able to..."

Sat, 11 May 2013 11:09:07 -0400

“Normal eating is going to the table hungry and eating until you are satisfied. It is being able to choose food you like and eat it and truly get enough of it—not just stop eating because you think you should. Normal eating is being able to give some thought to your food selection so you get nutritious food, but not being so wary and restrictive that you miss out on enjoyable food. Normal eating is giving yourself permission to eat sometimes because you are happy, sad or bored, or just because it feels good. Normal eating is mostly three meals a day, or four or five, or it can be choosing to munch along the way. It is leaving some cookies on the plate because you know you can have some again tomorrow, or it is eating more now because they taste so wonderful. Normal eating is overeating at times, feeling stuffed and uncomfortable. And it can be undereating at times and wishing you had more. Normal eating is trusting your body to make up for your mistakes in eating. Normal eating takes up some of your time and attention, but keeps its place as only one important area of your life.”

- Ellyn Satter (via lifeisthechancetogrowasoul)

fantasticsassy: Home workout plan for girls.

Sat, 11 May 2013 07:55:31 -0400

fantasticsassy:

Home workout plan for girls.

ASK ME ANYTHING!

Sat, 11 May 2013 06:44:34 -0400

need something to distract me when i feel like bingeing so giving me questions to answer would really help me stay in control. so ask me anything! anything at all! :D

Every time I feel like bingeing, I shall chug water until I feel physically ill. Sounds like a plan.

Sat, 11 May 2013 06:41:00 -0400

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Sat, 11 May 2013 06:37:26 -0400

minimumfeelings: 35-24-35 | via Tumblr on We Heart It -...

Sat, 11 May 2013 06:37:14 -0400

minimumfeelings:

35-24-35 | via Tumblr on We Heart It - http://weheartit.com/entry/60826446/via/ducky1289

Hearted from: http://35-24-35.tumblr.com/post/49925467855

estras: u | via Facebook auf We Heart It....

Sat, 11 May 2013 06:35:12 -0400

estras:

u | via Facebook auf We Heart It. http://weheartit.com/entry/61080221/via/ItsSimpleBitch

b/p.

Fri, 10 May 2013 13:58:51 -0400

just binged and purged. WTF. haven’t purged in like…a year. just now i was feeling shit cuz my weight was like up to 135 although i didn’t eat much. then i decided to binge?! had rice with chicken and veg and pork and then a pack of chips and then a pack of mini oreos. FUCK MY LIFE. then i felt so full and uncomfortable i decided to puke it up. sadly i didn’t manage to get all of it out, but i think i got 60%? sigh…not gonna make it a habit. gonna try fasting tomorrow if my parents don’t make me have lunch with them. sigh i’m so disappointed. and i’m starting to get depressed again which means the prozac might not be working. need to ask for a higher dose at the doctor’s next week.

ugh i’m so sad.

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Fri, 10 May 2013 09:41:31 -0400

sigh.

Fri, 10 May 2013 09:37:16 -0400

GAINING WEIGHT FUCKKKKKK. 133 this morning. 2lbs gain from having 1500kcals yesterday. fml. today i didn’t do too shit but still not really good. had 2 sausages (240), roast chicken (300) and veg stir fry (80). total 620kcals. oh and 60kcals of metamucil to make me shit since i’ve run out of laxatives -_- and another 60kcals of this diet drink thing that makes you shit oil the next day. so total is around 740kcals.

on the bright side i didn’t have any starchy carbs today (which i’ve had waaay too much the past 3 days). back to strict restricting tomorrow. no more than 500kcals for the coming week. i completely wasted this week cuz i’ve been such a big fat pig. just hope to be 130 or less by monday :( i can’t wait to get out of the 130s… i was on the right track and then i just had to screw it the fuck up.

sigh i have so many things coming up this summer that REQUIRE me to be thin. i’m probably going to europe with my friend and i want to wear cute summer dresses. i’m going on a beach holiday with my bf and my cousins and i wanna be in a bikini. i MIGHT get an internship and i want to look good in a suit again. this guy i’ve always wanted to impress is coming back in august and i show him a HOT me by then. sighh i can’t even fit into the shorts i wore last summer. this is fucking pathetic.

never eating dinner again.

Thu, 09 May 2013 11:55:00 -0400

i was supposingly do okay today. had a big lunch of curry rice (1 cup rice max) with around 600kcals and decided to be done for the day. then i had sort of an anxiety attack and my hands and feet were numb and i was really craving indomee so i thought eating would make me feel better. after the 430kcal noodles my dad came back with leftovers at his dinner and the pig that i was had some of the chicken and pork and bread that he brought back. so i think in total i had around 1500kcals today - my BMR is only 1250 so that is shit. just weighed myself and i’m 134.6 FUCK and i don’t have any more laxatives ughhhh. no more than 500kcals tmr!

my hands and feet are still kinda numb now which is scary. ugh. what is wrong with me?! i’ve got work to do, my body needs to stop messin around with me.

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Thu, 09 May 2013 08:57:39 -0400

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Thu, 09 May 2013 08:56:18 -0400

okay no more fasting.

Thu, 09 May 2013 00:49:00 -0400

apparently i don’t have the willpower to fast anymore /_\ was doing well until like 11pm last night and decided to eat. wasn’t strictly binging but i just ate and ate. had a microwavable mac and cheese (400), 8 ritz biscuits (250) with cottage cheese (100) and 4 crabsticks (120). total 870kcals. which isn’t too bad actually, but not good that it was late at night and i was feeling bloated when i slept :(

thank god i woke up at 131lbs without gaining a thing. phewwwww. gonna have 500kcals today and not eat for the rest of the day instead. probably easier to restrict this way.

oh and apparently my scale set my height as 5’3 although i’m 5’2. so i reset it to 5’2 and my body fat % is higher :( apparently i’m not nearing 27% body fat - it’s 28.3% now. FUCK. my short term goal is to get to 23% but that’s a long way to go. sigh. so discouraging. summer is coming i have to do it!

depressive-dimention: Definitely NOT!!

Wed, 08 May 2013 11:08:12 -0400

depressive-dimention:

Definitely NOT!!