on my way to 95lbs.

oh, and i’ve made my grand “debut” to my relatives since losing 40lbs. originally i was really looking forward to seeing their reactions when they see me. but now it’s just kind of annoying you know, it didn’t even really make me happy. although everyone said i looked really good now, i know it’s not good enough still. it bugs me even more when people ask me “TEACH ME HOW TO LOSE WEIGHT! WHAT DIET ARE YOU ON?” and normally i just say “umm, just eat healthier and exercise more?” although little did they know that half the time i was pretty much starving myself. another thing that annoys me is when people ask me “HOW MANY POUNDS DID YOU LOSE? HOW MUCH DO YOU WEIGH NOW?” i just tell them i don’t have a scale so i don’t know. i don’t know why i don’t wanna tell them the number. maybe because they’ll be able to work out that i was 160lbs at my highest weight and that’s just a ridiculous number. 

it’s also weird how people decide what is “skinny” in western and asian culture. i’m a US size 6/UK size 8, and i felt kind of tiny in the UK because girls are generally normal sized there. which is good. but now that i’m back here in asia, all the girls are stick thin. although i guess i’m not OVERWEIGHT fat right now, i’d still be seen as chubby. which kind of triggered my dangerous thoughts.

i know i still have 30 more lbs to go until i can conform with what the asian society considers thin. why do i even listen to what society tells me? sigh. but i know my boyfriend likes really thin girls. although he keeps telling me how good i look and how pretty i am, he occasionally says things which makes me know that he thinks i can still be thinner. for example, he’d grab my calves and say like “once you lose more weight these will get so much smaller!” although i know he wouldn’t mind if i maintained at my current weight. but i want to be the perfect girlfriend that he wants, i want him to be proud to have me as his gf. the other day, he told me he could feel my hip bones when we were having sex. which made me kind of happy lol. just can’t wait till my flabby arms and belly and thighs and calves get smaller, so i can be perfect. i’ve already lost 40lbs which took me away from the borderline obese and overweight categories of the BMI. the hardest part is done, i just need to keep it going. let’s hope things get easier from now.