it wasn’t a good day already, then my friend pissed me off further, and i was just depressed all night. and then i was watching youtube make up tutorials and saw this girl who is absolutely stunning. the most awesome body, pretty face, long hair etc. made me feel so super shit about myself. why can’t i be pretty like her? i know you should love yourself and try to be the best yourself can ever be. but how is it possible to not compare yourself to others at all? i’ve never really hated how i look (except my body) until today, i just felt so inadequate, so ugly, so fat.
and then what did i do? i binged. yep. as if i’m not fat enough. finished the remaining tub of chocolate clusters and 2 packets of chips. bringing today’s total calorie intake to 2671kcals. yep you heard me. that’s how fat this fat pig is. fuck i fucking hate myself. i don’t even feel guilt or anything about the binge, just numb. and disgusting.
haven’t fasted in awhile. fasting till tuesday from tomorrow onwards (because i have an exam on tuesday i probably need food to function). i want to be fuckin skinny. i don’t think i’ve been this motivated in a long time. i’ve never experienced this much self hate before. makes me so fuckin sad.
i need to be the best i can ever be. i just need to. i need to be perfect.