just binged and purged. WTF. haven’t purged in like…a year. just now i was feeling shit cuz my weight was like up to 135 although i didn’t eat much. then i decided to binge?! had rice with chicken and veg and pork and then a pack of chips and then a pack of mini oreos. FUCK MY LIFE. then i felt so full and uncomfortable i decided to puke it up. sadly i didn’t manage to get all of it out, but i think i got 60%? sigh…not gonna make it a habit. gonna try fasting tomorrow if my parents don’t make me have lunch with them. sigh i’m so disappointed. and i’m starting to get depressed again which means the prozac might not be working. need to ask for a higher dose at the doctor’s next week.
ugh i’m so sad.
GAINING WEIGHT FUCKKKKKK. 133 this morning. 2lbs gain from having 1500kcals yesterday. fml. today i didn’t do too shit but still not really good. had 2 sausages (240), roast chicken (300) and veg stir fry (80). total 620kcals. oh and 60kcals of metamucil to make me shit since i’ve run out of laxatives -_- and another 60kcals of this diet drink thing that makes you shit oil the next day. so total is around 740kcals.
on the bright side i didn’t have any starchy carbs today (which i’ve had waaay too much the past 3 days). back to strict restricting tomorrow. no more than 500kcals for the coming week. i completely wasted this week cuz i’ve been such a big fat pig. just hope to be 130 or less by monday :( i can’t wait to get out of the 130s… i was on the right track and then i just had to screw it the fuck up.
sigh i have so many things coming up this summer that REQUIRE me to be thin. i’m probably going to europe with my friend and i want to wear cute summer dresses. i’m going on a beach holiday with my bf and my cousins and i wanna be in a bikini. i MIGHT get an internship and i want to look good in a suit again. this guy i’ve always wanted to impress is coming back in august and i show him a HOT me by then. sighh i can’t even fit into the shorts i wore last summer. this is fucking pathetic.
i was supposingly do okay today. had a big lunch of curry rice (1 cup rice max) with around 600kcals and decided to be done for the day. then i had sort of an anxiety attack and my hands and feet were numb and i was really craving indomee so i thought eating would make me feel better. after the 430kcal noodles my dad came back with leftovers at his dinner and the pig that i was had some of the chicken and pork and bread that he brought back. so i think in total i had around 1500kcals today - my BMR is only 1250 so that is shit. just weighed myself and i’m 134.6 FUCK and i don’t have any more laxatives ughhhh. no more than 500kcals tmr!
my hands and feet are still kinda numb now which is scary. ugh. what is wrong with me?! i’ve got work to do, my body needs to stop messin around with me.
apparently i don’t have the willpower to fast anymore /_\ was doing well until like 11pm last night and decided to eat. wasn’t strictly binging but i just ate and ate. had a microwavable mac and cheese (400), 8 ritz biscuits (250) with cottage cheese (100) and 4 crabsticks (120). total 870kcals. which isn’t too bad actually, but not good that it was late at night and i was feeling bloated when i slept :(
thank god i woke up at 131lbs without gaining a thing. phewwwww. gonna have 500kcals today and not eat for the rest of the day instead. probably easier to restrict this way.
oh and apparently my scale set my height as 5’3 although i’m 5’2. so i reset it to 5’2 and my body fat % is higher :( apparently i’m not nearing 27% body fat - it’s 28.3% now. FUCK. my short term goal is to get to 23% but that’s a long way to go. sigh. so discouraging. summer is coming i have to do it!
yesterday i was 131lbs and decided to reward myself with instant noodles cuz i havent had it in so long - bad decision. turned into a binge. had the noodles, 3 huge pineapple pastries, another pastry thing and a cinnamon bread stick. around 1500kcals there :( woke up today and i’m 131.6. which isn’t too bad i guess?
on the bright side, my collar bones are starting to show again! though not as prominent as it was last summer but it’s there again! yay! also my waist went from the disgusting 32” 2.5 weeks ago to 29” now. thank fuck. don’t wanna go above 30” EVER again. ultimate goal is 24” but i guess that will take lotsa time. body fat % also at 27%, compared to 29.5 2 weeks ago which is nice.
fasting today, since i still feel horribly bloated from the huge-ass carb binge yesterday. (well it wasn’t really huge ass considering my biggest binges involved like 4000over kcals). hope to be 130 or less by tmr! wish me luck :)