although probably no one reads this anyway. but just a little update - i’ve been eating somewhat normally these days. which is really weird. although every single day i struggle with food and decisions, but i kind of just let myself eat what i want now. and i try to stop thinking about calories so much because that really screwed me over. i’ve also not had a binge in a long time. although that’s probably cuz i’ve been just letting myself eat snacks on a regular basis, so i don’t feel the urge to gorge it all down my throat in one go. i’ve been horribly addicted to chocolate biscuits lately (consuming AT LEAST 800kcals worth of them every day). just hope that i’ll get sick of them soon (probably impossible cuz they’re so fuckin good).
the reason i’ve been letting myself eat is cuz my weight has kind of plateaued. which is a good thing because i’m aiming at maintaining my weight for the rest of may and then start trying to lose weight again from june 1st. even after eating over 1500kcals per day, my weight stays at around 123lbs, which is just great. apparently the way to keep weight off permanently is to lose 10% of your body weight (although i’ve lost 25% already) and try maintaining it for a few months so it restarts your weight set point. i’m kind of happy that i’ve been letting myself eat what i want, and don’t suddenly gain a shit ton of weight the next day. this stability is good. i remember how i used to eat just a little more than usual and gain like 3lbs in a day. so i just need to make sure i don’t eat TOO much so i’ll maintain here and continue the rest of my weight loss journey (28lbs to go) starting in june.
it wasn’t a good day already, then my friend pissed me off further, and i was just depressed all night. and then i was watching youtube make up tutorials and saw this girl who is absolutely stunning. the most awesome body, pretty face, long hair etc. made me feel so super shit about myself. why can’t i be pretty like her? i know you should love yourself and try to be the best yourself can ever be. but how is it possible to not compare yourself to others at all? i’ve never really hated how i look (except my body) until today, i just felt so inadequate, so ugly, so fat.
and then what did i do? i binged. yep. as if i’m not fat enough. finished the remaining tub of chocolate clusters and 2 packets of chips. bringing today’s total calorie intake to 2671kcals. yep you heard me. that’s how fat this fat pig is. fuck i fucking hate myself. i don’t even feel guilt or anything about the binge, just numb. and disgusting.
haven’t fasted in awhile. fasting till tuesday from tomorrow onwards (because i have an exam on tuesday i probably need food to function). i want to be fuckin skinny. i don’t think i’ve been this motivated in a long time. i’ve never experienced this much self hate before. makes me so fuckin sad.
i need to be the best i can ever be. i just need to. i need to be perfect.
i’ve been good the past few days, surviving on 1-2 meals per day and not getting any cravings or urges to binge. got down to a stable 120 today and then i fucked it up today. i keep fucking up when i’m really near to getting out of the 120s. it’s like a vicious cycle.
my day was fine at first, had turkey breast with brown rice for breakfast (around 400kcals), turkey breast and ham on wheat at subway (around 350kcals)…then i got really hungry when i was grocery shopping. and i bought binge foods, thinking that i’ll just eat it all tonight. got home, had the pasta salad (572kcals) and half a tub of chocolate clusters (450kcals), and then i had the worst stomach ache ever. i think my body isn’t used to so much food so quickly (after like…5 days of not binging?) and then i just felt sick at the sight of food. i feel like crap. i don’t know if i should take some laxatives, cuz i’m trying to get out of this habit. but i just need this food out of me right now.
the awkward thing is, i still have quite a few binge foods left that i couldn’t finish. i don’t know what to do with them. i wish i could just eat them all today so i can start fresh tomorrow (stupid isn’t it?) but i literally wanna puke when i think of eating anymore. i guess it’s good somehow?
the binge food i have left:
- 2 packs of kettle chips (202kcals each)
- a box of chocolate biscuits (70kcal/piece, 630/box)
- half a tub of chocolate clusters (450kcals)
maybe i’ll give some away to my housemates? i dunno. but i did pay quite a lot for the stuff (stupid i know). sigh. why am i so fuckin stupid? i dont wanna eat ever again. my stomach is killing me. ugh.
Haven’t binged this week (except last night I did eat a bit of my binge foods i.e. 8 crackers with hummus and nutella and a can of soup with bread) but I left the kitchen before it could turn into a full on binge :)
Then I discovered why I binged so much the past month - apparently I’ve been sick of the same foods I’ve been having. The past 4 months has always been chicken breast, fish, salad, veggies and my mind and body just craved flavour. I’ve been eating proper food at restaurants and buying healthy ready meals and I realized I dont get cravings or the urge to binge afterwards.
I’ve also allowed carbs back into my life, which helps as well. Had fried brown rice yesterday and whole grain pasta today, and I havent been craving anything today! so happy that I have found the reason to my binges, now I know how to prevent them!
On a tmi note, all the whole grain stuff is making me poop like a regular person. So happy! I’ve stopped my laxative habits for 5 days and was worried my bowel won’t function well anymore, but it did!
I just need to keep going in this healthy direction. Although I keep thinking about fasting and laxatives, I know I can go back to doing it healthily. I need to finish what I’ve started. 40 pounds down, 25 to go. I can do this!
did NOT binge last night! omg i’m so proud of myself - it’s been one entire month since i had control. woke up at 123lbs. just need to keep being good, no eating after 7pm. also, i won’t beat myself up if i have around 1000kcals, but i won’t let myself go over that. i have a feeling i won’t binge today, so let’s hope i keep it up :)
intake today so far:
- chicken curry for lunch (400kcals)
- coffee (30)
= 430kcals so far
would allow myself dinner at 6pm if i’m really hungry. we’ll see, cuz i’m stuffed now. normally such a small portion of curry won’t fill me up at all, but now i’m legit full :) happy. update again later xx
i’ve been calling my “binges” binges, but then i came to realize that i’ve been having less food on my binges, and i don’t stuff my face as quickly as i did at the beginning of my binge. then i realized: i’m not even BINGING in the literal sense anymore. i’m just letting myself eat and give in to cravings. i’m not even eating out of emotions anymore, it’s just when i feel like eating, i just eat it. and lots of it. because i’m greedy. i’m scared that i won’t have the chance to eat it anymore. but at least it’s getting a bit better. no more 3000-4000kcal binges. it’s now around 1500-2500 (still bad, considering i used to eat 500 per day, but it’s getting better..i hope?)
today wasn’t too good food wise. but i haven’t had a MASSIVE binge yet. i was really stressed during the day and for the first time went to the store to get binge food. normally i’d eat it all in one sitting, but today i didn’t. in fact, i stopped eating after 7pm. which is actually really good since i’ve been eating at night for the past month which made me gain quite a lot of fat.
today i’ve eaten (not in one go, so not a binge):
- a cracker (33)
- some chocolate spread (50)
- an egg mayo and bacon sandwich (415)
- a small pack of doritos (202)
- caramel shortcake (330)
- 2 coffees (60)
total: 1090kcals
this is embarrassing to say, but this is the lowest intake i’ve had in the past month, because i’ve been binging for the entire month. also weighed myself and i’m around 123.6lbs, which isn’t too bad considering i was 120 before the month long binge and only gained 3.6lbs despite the numerous 4000kcal days. i guess my weight is starting to maintain at this point, which is pretty good so i won’t suddenly gain 5lbs in a week like i used to.
determined not to binge tonight - although i don’t trust myself. the curry rice and mushroom risotto that i bought from the store today keeps lingering in my head. but no, i will not have it. 1090kcals today is good and i shouldn’t ruin it. i don’t feel full or hungry now, i’m okay. i don’t need anymore food. asked my friend to come over so i won’t be able to binge when he’s here, and i’ll sleep once he leaves.
let’s hope today will be binge-free day number 1.
beckyblondiexox
i lost the first 25lbs in 2 months by eating 1000kcals per day max, no carbs (except from fruits and veg), red meats and alcohol. and no eating after dinner. that combined with at least 4 days of 1 hour workouts per week. having your fullest meal during breakfast instead of dinner works as well.
things started getting unhealthy after the 2nd month though so i’d rather not give you advice on the unhealthy habits cuz it fucks up your body and your mind. you can surely lose 25lbs healthily :)
Fuck I gave in. why am I so fucking weak? I was strong all day and then the strong urge to binge came. It normally comes at 10pm to 12am. There was pizza in the house, and I couldn’t stop thinking about it (I haven’t had pizza for nearly half a year). if it wasnt there I could have resisted. Still, I’m fucking weak. I lost to a goddamn pizza wtf. On the bright side the pizza is gone now, so nothing in the world can tempt me anymore.
Intake: - 3 slices of pizza (700) - mug cake (500) - 2 coffees (60) - flavoured water (10) Total: 1270 :(
Fasting till 15 may. No excuses. No more giving in.
sometimes when i watch movies on EDs, they try to portray the background causes leading up to the problem. i’ve been thinking a lot lately, and i’ve realized that it’s no surprise that i’ve always had the tendency to have an eating disorder.
- parents have always favoured my tall, thin and pretty sister since young. i never feel adequate when i’m beside her.
- i’ve been overweight all my life, and my parents joke about it or keep asking me to lose weight and make fun of me when i eat late at night etc.
- i’ve always been a perfectionist. i wanted to have good grades, be good at everything i do, and now i just want and need that perfect body to make up for it. my mom used to tell me “people will see you and think you’re smart, but when they see your body, they’ll be like errrrr ewww” i know that, which is why i’m doing all this to myself to not make people want to puke when they see my body.
- i’ve always had low self-esteem cuz of how my family kept putting me down cuz of my weight. to be honest i think face-wise i’m not ugly, but i have the most disgusting body and looks won’t make up for it. guys keep telling me “seriously you’d be so hot if you weren’t fat” or that i have a “pretty face”, and i’ve been the girl no one wanted.
ugh i just fuckin hate this. i have a love/hate relationship with both food and my ED. it’s taking over my entire life. but it hurts even more to recover - because i can’t go back to being the fat girl i’ve always been. never again will i be the girl that people rejected because she’s fat. i’ll be the girl everyone wants but can’t get. i’ll be the daughter and girlfriend that my parents and boyfriend is proud of.
SO PLEASE DON’T BINGE. PLEASE DON’T. DON’T THINK ABOUT IT. STOP. PLEASE.
